Yuck Yuck Yuck!!

I have eaten anything I can get my hands on the last few days. It makes me so mad with myself! Sawyer has been having screaming fits at night and has at least 10 fits a day (most of the time I can't even figure out what what is wrong). It totally stresses me out and I just sit and try to figure out what I can eat. Yes it makes me happy while I am eating but then I am just angry with myself afterwards. I must find something to turn to besides food. Plus I have been forgetting to take my Thyroid medicine which is a big no no (don't tell my pharmacist husband!) so I think my throid levels are getting out of wack which makes me gain weight just by breathing. Oh well tomorrow is another day and another week and I will try to do better even if Sawyer screams all week long!

6 A.M.

Just so every knows there are actually people who get up at 6:00 in the morning and work out! Who knew! I know that my crazy husband goes and runs at 5 or 6 AM but for some reason I had it in my head that he was just crazy and was the only one who did this. Love you babe! =)

I have decided this week that I will work out 3 times even if I am not eating like I should (I am trying to eat well though). The only time I could go workout yesterday was before Seth left for work so that meant going REALLY early! The Y was packed. I really enjoyed going that early though because then I was done with my workout and ready for my day before my kids were even up. I can't do that everyday though because some days Seth leaves the house before 6 so it just won't work. I will try to do that at least once a week though because it was a really wonderful feeling!

On another note I went on my first big shopping trip with all three kids to Hamilton Place. My sister was with us but she usually just makes the kids act worse (sorry Aunt Penny - you know it is true because they think they can get away with more when you are there!) It went really well though. All 3 children survived and I didn't not cry at any point during the outing. We even made it through lunch at Red Lobster (where by the way I only ate half my plate of lunch and asked for a box for the rest of it and I drank water -go me!)

Tired

My kids have been sick for over a week. Sawyer is finally not contagious so he was able to go back to school today but boy oh boy does he have a case of the whinies (is that even a word?)! I am so stinkin tired just from him pitching fits constantly. Why would that make a person tired you ask? It is utterly exhausting to watch a two year old fling himself on the floor and kick and scream and know you can't do anything to make him happy. It breaks my heart in two. The child will not even take a bath without screaming the whole time and he usually LOVES baths. I know that he still doesn't feel good but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

So when I get tired and upset over Sawyer acting like this what do I do? I will give you three guesses but I but you can figure it out in one. I EAT!!!! I have gotten smart though. I simply do not buy stuff that I like to eat. I did have a breakdown on Sunday night though and Seth went and bought me some Crunch and Munch. I know that I won't have lost weight this week but that is OK. Like I said this blog is to document my failures as well as my successes.

Before this year my mindset was this. I would start eating better on a Monday (only Monday never Sunday or Thursday...). If I mess up at ANY time during the week - that means if I eat a whole pizza Monday at lunch- I would continue to eat bad the whole week and start again on the next Monday. Such crazy thinking! Now I have finally decided I will do the best I can at all times. If I eat a whole pizza for lunch today, I will just move on and try to do better the rest of the day and the rest of the week. Hopefully this new mindset will stick and I can reach my goals of being a happier and healthier person for myself and my family!

Breakfast - oh how I dislike you!

Breakfast is supposed to be the most important meal of the day. I understand that but when you are a mother of 3 kids ages 5 and under getting breakfast into mommy is a little hard sometimes. I make sure that my kids always eat breakfast but I don't usually find the time to eat myself.

All my kids wake up at the same time, we go downstairs and I put Jax in his swing (by this point he is screaming!) I try to get the older kids to tell me what they want while I make Jax's bottle and once I get them settled I feed Jaxon. By the time Jax is done eating the older kids are done so we move on with our day and I just don't stop and take the time to eat.

This morning I made myself eat and I discovered I can eat a granola bar and drink a cup of milk standing up with a sick 2 year old on my hip while bouncing Jax in his bouncy seat and Bella dancing around asking 100 questions about our day.

I also really don't like breakfast foods so I hate "wasting" my Weight Watcher points on this meal. I know that it is supposed to boast your metabolism though so that is going to by my goal for the rest of this week - to eat breakfast every morning! Lots of goals....I think I can....I think I can....(can you tell I have a little boy obsessed with trains? we talk trains all day long!)

Already I know my goal for the next week will be to exercise at least 3 times. I can't even attempt it this week with one child on day 4 of the flu and still not better and the baby has a ear infection and is super fussy so I will put that one off till next week.

My dirty little secret

I have struggled with my weight my whole life. That is no secret to anyone who has known me. I have not been at a healthy weight since I was about 8 years old. I have been on "diet" after "diet" and the most weight I have ever lost was around 25 pounds during my junior year of high school and I put that back on plus 25 more. Since having Bella 5 1/2 years ago I have done a lot better not putting on more weight. I actually lost weight when I was pregnant with both Sawyer and Jaxon - I am proud of that one fact!

Yesterday, I was at gymnastics with Bella and one of the other little girls asked Bella where her mommy was. She pointed to me and smiled and waved like she was so happy that I am her mom. I decided then and there that I want to be someone that she can be proud of. I know that my weight does not totally define me but if I am not happy or proud of myself how can I expect Bella to be proud of me?

That is my dirty little secret - I really dislike myself. On the outside I have a very good life. I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful little girl, a crazy funny little boy, and a awesome baby boy. I go to church, have friends, but I do not like myself. I can not be the person I want to be while I am overweight. I want to get healthy for my family but most importantly I want to get healthy for me. So that I can be someone that my children can be proud of!

I am not writing this blog to have people tell me that I am a great person and to not worry about my weight. I am writing so that maybe I can help someone else who feels they are falling short because of their weight. I am writing so that I can document my success and my failures. I know I will have a lot of both. I will probably write about funny things my kids do that make me happy and I will try to keep everyone updated on my journey. If no one reads that is fine. It makes me feel better just to write.

Here are my goals.

(1) I will write on this blog at least once a week and talk about how my journey is going.

(2) I want to lose 80 pounds by the time my 10 year wedding anniversary comes (July 2012). That is a lot of weight but I have about 70 weeks until then so that is only a little over a pound a week. I think I can....I think I can.....I think I can....